Tick, Tock

My husband, Brandon and I, have been together close to nine years and married almost four.  Brandon truly fills my heart with eternal love, hope, and my belly full of hearty laughs.  While we were dating, he proposed to me nearly 3 times.  I, however, was uncertain.  Not uncertain of him, but the notion of marriage. Forever? Forever is a long time...  I took my time falling in love with Brandon as he chased after me for a year.  He waited... And waited... And God bless his heart, he still waited.  I remember missing his company.  I needed to prove to myself that I needed him in my life.

Finally, we made it official.  We were going to be a couple.  It was difficult for us in the beginning as we had a lot of people against our relationship.  Friends didn't believe in us.  Relatives questioned our character and motives.  It was a short-lived battle and we won.  By the way, still winning.  We, however, believed in us.  He was my soul-mate,  the one who finishes my sentences,  and the man who manages to know the location of all the moles on my body before I knew they even existed. Years later, Brandon arranged a beautiful proposal for me.  I said, yes, and we would eventually get married.

Fast forward a few years, Brandon always wanted a big family, as did I.  Yet, I kept putting that off to.  Brandon, patiently waited.  I wanted to wait for the right time.  I wanted us to be settled into our careers, establish our finances, be prepared and ready.  I graduated from the University of Miami, as the economy began to sink faster than the Titanic.  Money was tight.  Our wallets were thirsting for money and we were racing against time.  We made it work.  We always made it work.

During all this, my grandfather was fighting his own battles.  Never to let anyone know how sick he truly was, he continued with chemo treatments and endless doctor appointments.  I never knew the severity of his cancer until I saw this once healthy, full of life, man,  turn frail, skinny, and hunched over within a short amount of time.  He was a professional at camouflaging his disease.  He never wanted pity.  He just wanted to be around long enough to see the Marlin's play in their new stadium. My grandfather always promised me he would make it to my wedding, and he did.  Unfortunately, he was too sick to attend.  He promised he'd make it to Christmas, and he did.  He never made a promise he couldn't keep.  He asked me to be the one who keeps the family together, to be the glue.  I promised I would.  Sadly, he never made it to the opening of the Marlin's stadium.

Time was ticking.  Brandon was still patiently waiting to begin and grow his own family.  Losing my grandfather took a lot out of me.  It took more than just a piece of my heart, I felt like I was losing myself.  You see, time waits on no one and it took time for me to bounce back from such a heavy loss.  I began working for Honey Shine, mentoring young girls.  It brought me back to life.  I was empowered.  It was as if my heavy heart had been lifted.  More importantly, my life felt fulfilled and full of meaning.  I had a purpose.  Whether these girls knew it or not, they saved me.  It was on more than one occasion that the girls and one of my assistant counselors, told me I would make the "best mom!"  Me, a mom?  I truly began to swallow the idea...  Time, however was still not on my side and Brandon was still waiting...

It wasn't until a trip to Walt Disney World with my family that I was ready for my own family.  I watched my niece and nephew frolic with Mickey and Minnie and wished it so much for my own unborn child.  They looked so happy.  Their parents overcome with emotions.  Grandma's eyes became watery as she watched her grandchildren explore this over-sized mouse.  In that instance, I was ready.  We were ready.  Within 2 weeks after our trip from Disney, we were pregnant with our daughter Olivia and Brandon didn't have to wait any longer.

Olivia was born on August 7, 2012.  She missed meeting her great-grandfather by a few years.  I waited so long for the timing to be right.  I robbed her of a chance to meet such a special man.  A man I know she would've had so much fun with.  This is a guilt I will always have to live with.

Time isn't always on your side.  It may never be.  The economy is still peacefully resting on the bottom of the ocean, neighboring the Titanic. Our  leather wallets have cracked from thirst.  We've seen jobs come and go.  Yet, one thing remains the same: us.  Brandon and I still have each other.  Our love is still thriving, growing with every heartbeat.  Our stomachs still hurt from laughing too much.  Our little home still stands.  Bills continue to pile as we continue to breathe and live.  Life hasn't changed.  It's a hard lesson to learn: time will always continue to tick-tock away.  Live the life you always wanted, dream the impossible, venture whole-heartedly into the unknown, do not fear it.  Things always work out.  In some stressful way or another,they always will.  Don't let time rob you of special moments.  The only criminal here, is yourself.  I committed the crime, I waited, and ultimately paid the price.

I wish Olivia would've been able to meet, Papi.  However, I smile knowing she was born into a giant family with lots of love to give to her.  In conclusion, I'm still broke, still haven't found a steady job but I still have love.  Lots of love and a big family to share it with.

Learn from my mistakes.  Don't wait.