Someone To Love

Love comes in all shapes, colors, and sizes.  I have love for things like my jewelry.  I show love for my Alma Mater, the University of Miami.  I have discovered a love for exercise, Zumba (more of an obsession).  I fell in love with my husband, Brandon, and that continues to grow daily.  I learned about a love bigger than anything I have ever known, my daughter, Olivia.  I have fallen out of love and  I learned I need to be loved.  Love is a thought, a feeling, an expression.  It is timeless.  It is epic.  It will take your breath away and sometimes break your heart.  Love is something we all deserve... even the forgotten ones.



My husband and I have a photography business, Smith Photography, and most recently, we were asked to shoot an event for Our Kids.  The Heroes for Our Kids 2013, held at the Miami Children's Museum, was celebrating foster and adoptive parents, and community members who have made significant differences in the lives of children across Miami-Dade.  The event drew a large crowd of over 500 guests.  I have never witnessed more love in one room, than I had that day.  Kids were running around learning and discovering new adventures across the museum.  Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, only-children, staff, and volunteers ALL had smiles on their faces.  I never saw a child get scolded by their parent's.  No parents were slumped over on a bench.  Parents were smiling, engaging, laughing, and photographing their children having fun.  Parents wanted to participate in the activities with their kids.  It was a day to celebrate.  Everyone under that roof, had found someone to love.

Later that day, community leaders, children, teens, and families gathered for the award ceremony, eager to learn about the nominees and winner.  William Presswood, a foster-parent, a true hero in my eyes, took home the title of Foster/Adoptive Parent of the Year.  "Mr. Presswood takes in hard to place youth.  These teen boys face challenges such as run-aways, aggressive personalities, substance abuse, among others.  He gives these boys vacations, is heavily involved in their education, transports them to and from medical appointments, and outings.  His son, Edwin, was seventeen when Mr. Presswood asked for permission to adopt him.  His son said it was the day he felt his life began."  (Our Kids website).   Mr. Presswood, including all the nominees, left a lasting impact on all the families, including Brandon and I; there wasn't a dry eye in that room.  We were all strangers to each other, yet each family shared a common bond, a love they had found in a child.

Awards

Mr. Presswood receiving his award and a lot of love from his son.

A call to God, fertility issues, or a big heart, whatever the reasons may be, these parents took the leap of faith, and invited a new family member in.  Some temporarily, and some indefinitely.  The love between a parent and an adoptive child is indescribable: Its appreciation, love, admiration, thankfulness... it's a true hero.  While I may not know the true depth and meaning of what it feels to be an adoptive or foster parent, I do know it is in my future.  I was beyond honored to capture the love that filled the museum that day.  I will never know what it truly feels like to be an adoptive child, however it speaks volumes about the parent.  My eyes have been opened and I have learned, love can come from anyone and anywhere if we open our hearts to a child in need.  

To learn more about adoption/fostering a child, or volunteer opportunities, I invite you to visit the Our Kids website.

This is Jack's Story

My friend, Krysia and her husband Sean, share an all too familar story that a lot of couples unfortunately have to face.  I want to thank Krysia for pouring her heart out so publically and I hope this brings her strength knowing she will be providing so many people with hope.  She is our guest blogger today and this is their story.  To follow more of Krysia's story, you can read her blog, here.



My husband, Sean, and I got married in January of 2008. After being married for a year, we decided it was time to start trying to have a family. At first, it went the same as a lot of couples. First, we said, when it happens, it will happen. But we didn't get pregnant. I began ovulation research. Then I started to follow my cycles very strictly. But still, we didn't get pregnant and I saw negative sign after negative sign and spent lots of money on pregnancy tests.  We finally went to a reproductive therapist, Dr. Thompson, and went through every test imaginable. We were considered infertile because we were not able to get pregnant for over a year. When I heard that damn word, "infertile", I felt like my life was over. I was so scared that we would never be able to have a baby. Calmly, Dr. Thompson recommended a few rounds of insemination. She said that since we did not have any serious fertility issues, it should work. So I had hope after all. Insemination is definitely not the most romantic way of trying to conceive a child. However, Sean and I wanted to try whatever we could. We did

two rounds of insemination and no luck. The negative signs on those stupid sticks kept appearing. IVF (in vitro fertilization) was our next logical step, but we could not afford such an expensive treatment.

In 2010, two of my best friends and I went to an infertility expo. I thought it would be a good thing to go to in order to learn more, meet people going through infertility, and be around people who were dealing with the same issue as I was. Also, they were doing a raffle to win a free IVF with Dr. Thompson's office,
so we thought, why not?! Both my friends and I put our names in the raffle. They told us IF we win, they would contact us later if we are not there when they did the drawing. In no way did I ever think that we
would win, so after walking around for a bit we left.  Later that day, as I was at Starbucks, my friend Caroline called me. Her name was pulled at the raffle! She won the IVF!!! And of course, she gave it to me! I couldn't believe it. We hit the jackpot. Sean and I would have a $10,000 (at least) procedure done for free!!! So after the what felt like UNENDING injections and preparations, Sean and I went through IVF in January of 2011. It was quite a stressful procedure but I was so hopeful that it would work. It had to! This was our only shot.
The wait to find out if we were pregnant felt like it took forever.  But finally, after negative sign after negative sign, I took a test and it was positive!!! I took another test, same result. I ran to the doctor's office to get a blood test to confirm and they told me, "you are definitely pregnant." I couldn't believe it. Sean and I would finally

have the baby we have been waiting for and trying SO hard for.

On March 15, 2011, at 12 weeks, I announced to the world that Sean and I would be expecting our first baby. It was something I always wanted to do. It was the moment I could scream from the mountaintops that I am
a mom! We were due with a boy who we named Jack Nicholas.  My pregnancy was perfect. No sickness, no issues, pure bliss. I was so happy being pregnant. It was the most glorious time for me. I loved my
belly, I loved feeling him move, and I cherished every second of it. I went to all my checkups. I did not miss one appointment or one ultrasound. Finally, the time for the delivery was coming closer. I was seeing my OB, Dr. Horst, on a  weekly basis. I couldn't wait for the moment.

On October 3, 2011, I was 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was time for one of my weekly checkups. Sitting in the waiting room on the 3rd floor, I was in complete innocent bliss. I couldn't wait to get my cervix checked to see how much longer until I could meet my son. I was so excited. My name was called. When the doctor came in, he did his usual measurements and grabbed the doppler which measures the baby's heartbeat. He used the one doppler for about 5 minutes without hearing any sounds. He said he would try another one because it might not be working well. He used that second doppler for about 10 to 15 minutes and I kept asking if I should be worried. Dr. Horst kept giving me nervous smiles.  I kept thinking to myself "come on, Jack, just move for me, baby." At this point, I was scared. The doctor told me to get dressed so we could do an ultrasound to check that everything was ok. I was freaking out but at the same time I thought there had to be some sort of explanation. As I waited for the ultrasound tech, I grabbed my phone and googled every possible reason why a heartbeat could not be found. All I found was bad news. I was called into the ultrasound room and that's when it happened. Baby Jack was completely still and the heartbeat line was flat. Tears flowed and cries came out. I couldn't believe it. Was this actually happening to me???? I felt the world around me just fall to pieces. My doctor gave me a hug and the ultrasound tech said her "I'm so sorry's" and my doctor took me into his office. "I have to call my husband" were my next words. Sean answered right away and I broke the news to him. He rushed right over. While waiting for him, I called my friend Caroline and through my cries I heard her asking me to repeat the news and asking if it was a joke. If only I could say, yes. Things like this just don't happen. You read about it, you hear about it, but suddenly, I AM that person who's baby died.  After hearing our options of vaginal labor, waiting for me to go into labor on my own, or C-section, both Sean and decided on C-section. I could not deliver my dead son with hours of pushing. I just couldn't. All I could do was cry, "that's it". I couldn't do this again. Sean and I are not meant to be parents. We have suffered infertility and now we are experiencing the worst loss anyone could imagine.  I couldn't believe the tears and cries that I had let alone what Sean's reaction was. I did not want to put Sean through that again.

We went over to the hospital. The walk over was like a dream. I couldn't believe the son inside of me that I waited for and that I was so happy about was dead. I could feel him in there, just heavy. No movement, no fluttering, no hiccups. Just him. The nurses who walked us to our room knew what was going on. They took me with such kindness and sympathy to a back room away from everyone and everything else. I was told I had to wait 8 hours since I ate earlier before my surgery. I called who I needed to call and cried at every moment. Sean and I had lost the son we dreamt about for so long. I could feel his feet on the right side and I just wanted him to move so I could say it was all a dream. Someone came in and asked us the devastating question, "I hate to bring this up but in order for us to do an autopsy, we need you to pick a funeral home". Funeral home? I did not know where to even start. I never thought I would have to think about that. Luckily, our support system took over. From that moment on, Sean and I did not have to deal with the questions, the concerns, the funeral arrangements. Our amazing friends did everything for us. I do not know where I would have been without them.  After the long wait and the visitors who came to support us, it was time. The priest came in for the blessing and the anesthesiologist came in with the drugs. I remember feeling the drugs and seeing everyone as I was being wheeled away.

Sean sat next to me as the surgery happened. I couldn't believe we were delivering a dead son rather than being joyful and waiting to hold our new baby boy. I kept wishing I would hear a baby crying but my wishes did not come true. I told the doctors and nurses I did not want to see Jack because it would be too hard. But after the surgery, my doctor came up to my head and said I should see him otherwise I would regret it so I agreed. JACK WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY I HAVE EVER, EVER SEEN.  Sean and I held him and caressed him and cried and said over and over how beautiful he was. Sean says all he remembers is those red lips on my cheek. I am so glad I saw him and touched him. Now I only wish it was for longer. We both knew at that moment that we had to try to have another baby.  The nurse asked me if she could take him to my friends and family and show him to them. I said yes. We spent time in the recovery room which felt like forever. I just wanted to be back in my room with our family and friends. Sean sat by my side the entire time just holding me. We cried, we talked, we couldn't believe it.  The doctor said the umbilical cord was around his neck once but it didn't seem like it would have caused Jack to die. They could not see anything to show why it happened. We had no answers. Just a dead son.  We were wheeled back to our room a little after. Our support system was there to make sure we were ok and they left for the night.  My eyes were so puffy I could barely see. I couldn't sleep. I was awake throughout most of the night and finally watched the night turn to day.  Please let this be a dream, I thought. But it wasn't.  Sean and I spent 2 days in the hospital before coming home. The drive home and pulling up to our house was very hard. We came home empty handed.

Losing Jack was the hardest thing that has ever happened to Sean and I. After blood work, genetic testing, and an autopsy, we did not receive any answer as to why our baby boy died. Our lives were changed forever, we will never be the same, and we will never forget Jack. It has been almost two years, but I am still in mourning. I am still bitter. I am still angry. I am still sad. Most people do not realize that even after almost two years, the emptiness and heart ache are still there. People forget that Sean and I DO have a son and he will always be our first baby.  We are grateful for many, many things, however, not a day goes by when I do not ask why?

Since losing him, we were blessed with a natural pregnancy. We gave birth to Jack's little sister, Samantha, in August 2012. She truly is a miracle. I will never forget Jack as my first child, my first son, and the baby who made me a mom for the first time.

Thank you for listening to our story. In memory of Jack Nicholas.

What I Know For Sure

What I've learned in one year as a mom, is something no ivy-league college, how-to book, or professional mom could've prepared me for.  This has been the most out of this world, beautiful, patience testing, fear-facing, gruesome, best year of my existence.  The time has come, and I type this with a tear in my eye...  My daughter, Olivia, my first born, is turning ONE!

What I've learned over the course of one year:

1.  PLAN TO FAIL:  No matter how planned and ready you are for a baby, you're still not ready.  Nothing can prepare you for a child.  Sure, having a plan in place, the room decorated, a color coordinated closet with matching hangers organized by size (You know it), can and will help.  However, the "things" never seem enough, the nights are long, and the days even longer.  The journey is amazing and so is the learning experience.

2.  ENDLESS POO WITH A BANG & SPIT UP:  Sure, my daughter may have inherited the "Graver Curse" but babies are like little duckies.  They eat and poo, and when they get old enough, they eat, walk, and poo.  You never have enough diapers and it still hurts a year later to spend $50.00 dollars on a 3-week supply of diapers.  In addition, I've become a fart detective.  The little pop-pop's followed by her giggle are nothing to worry about.  It's the loud, gurgle pops of air you have to fear.  And at the end of a long day, when my child's tank is sure to be empty, she will surprise me again with a Hershey Kiss.  Along with lots of hot air and ca-ca, we have experienced our share of spit up.  We've gone through multiple different formulas and are now experimenting with cow's milk.  She spits up everything.  That expensive stroller and car seat, yeah, that was spit up on too.  My clothes, my hair, and just about everywhere in between, more spit up.  Thankfully, it's gotten better with age.

3.  LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:  I wasn't one of these mom's that was head over heals in love with my daughter the second I saw her.  They laid her on my chest, she smiled, and nothing has ever scared me more!  It wasn't until we were alone and the excitement settled, that I fell in love and began to appreciate the little life I built.

4.  TEETHING:  The teething process has been my greatest challenge of motherhood thus far.  It's challenges come in waves as each new tooth emerges.  Teething can bring on a multitude of issues such as: fevers and cold-like symptoms, more poop, excessive drooling, irritability for mom and baby, and diaper rash from even more poop.

5.  SCHEDULE:  I was borderline coo-coo about Olivia's feeding/sleeping schedule and still kinda am.  She runs like a machine and it's very obvious when she goes off track.  I am one of these people that can't function on no sleep and I knew it would be tough in the beginning, but once I had her schedule set, it really was peace of mind.

6.  FRIENDSHIP:  Your friendships change when you begin a family like they do during all major life events.  Those important friendships that were there before Olivia was born, are still there, and they are now extended aunts and uncles to her.  However, you gain new types of friendships. I've met many new mom's and have even ventured outside of my comfort zone and done the whole play-date thing.

7.  PATIENCE:  A baby can and will test your patience.  You never really know how much patience you have until you raise a child.  I am blessed to have a very happy and well-behaved baby but during those teething waves, sometimes I feel like I got hit in the head by a 2x4.

8.  SCREAMING BABIES:  I used to cringe at the sound of a screaming baby in a restaurant or movie theater and now it's all white noise.  I'm on the other side now.  I feel every parent's pain when they just want to eat their last bite of steak in peace.  When we go out to eat we are automatically seated in what appears to be the designated baby section.  Food flying everywhere, crying and screaming, a cute, little stranger popped up behind me pulling my hair on the other side of the booth, it's all apart of life now.

9.  RELATIONSHIPS:  I can definitely see how a baby can take away from a marriage.  However, Brandon and I have really made US a priority and want to show Olivia how strong our family bond is.  While we don't have many date nights out, we do have enough alone time when the baby finally goes down for the night.

10:  THAT'S SO WEIRD:  My daughter hates blankets, sleeps with her ass in the air and her eyes wide open.  No matter how much I suction, the boogers keep coming.  She rubs a pillow on her cheek to fall asleep.  She loves purses.  She'll take everything out of a bag and then put it all back in.  I can only dream that it is a trait of a master organizer.  My daughter's head circumference is above average in size.  Clearly, she has a big brain and it's not just a Gibson head, duh!  Shockingly, between all the hair I've lost post-pregnancy and the hair Olivia always pulls out, I still have hair.  Nothing hurts more than a 4-tooth baby bite.  She loves to dance and has more rhythm than most.  Finally, she is a clone of my husband with a Graver personality.  Genes are powerful, folks, so pick em' wisely!

11.  WHAT I MISS THE MOST:  Sleeping-in.  I SO miss sleeping till late in the afternoon.  Those who personally know me, know I love and value my sleep.  I am thankful Olivia sleeps till 8:00 but some days even that is too early.  Running into the store no longer takes 5 minutes.  I have to pack the baby bag, pack her into the car, unpack it all once I arrived at my destination, of course I have to change another diaper somewhere in there, feed her, and before I know it, my trip to pick up some bread took 2 hours and $100 dollars.

12.  MY DAUGHTER, THE SPONGE:  She is always watching.  She mimics my every move, attempts to say what I'm saying, and follows me around everywhere.  My little shadow is a quick learner and tries her hardest to do the grown-up stuff.  That being said, I am her role model and I really have had to change some of the things I do so that I can lead by example.

13.  MY MUSE:  My daughter has inspired me on so many levels, including being HER mom of the year.  I want to design toys, write children's books, create bows and headbands, etc., all to make her future a lot brighter.  More importantly, she inspired The Pink Elephant.

14.  PARENTING 101:  I have days when I feel nothing is good enough.  I have moments when I feel I am failing.  There are times when my smiles aren't so big and angry words come to mind easily.  I question why I have a pouch that makes me look three months pregnant when Olivia came out of me a year ago. Sometimes I just want to cuddle my daughter, not the pressures of motherhood.  Some days I am so tired, the thought alone of changing another diaper is exhausting.  All in all, it's a journey.  I may never get it right and that's okay.  One thing I know for sure, we are doing the best we can.  We may not have a lot of stuff, but she sure has a lot of love.  Her home is filled with laughter.  Her daddy provides her with a home and things she won't remember 10 years from now.  However, she will grow up remembering all the love, hugs, patience, listening, and the fun memories and traditions that she will one day pass on to her children.

15.  MY ANGEL, MY BEST FRIEND:  Sure, we all think our children our blessings, angel's in disguise, the cutest.  Some  may even find they are spawn's of the devil.  Nevertheless, Olivia has a special heart that only those who have been in contact with her can understand.  Let me stress, Olivia is not perfect.  She has her moments and sometimes I just want to crawl under the bed and hide so I can be alone in silence for thirty seconds, but she is a very sweet baby.  Complete strangers have told me, "she has a beautiful soul."  At first, I think to myself, why are you reading her soul. However, she'll stroke someone's cheek, give a hug, a giggle, or a big toothy grin and people just light up.  I've been told, "she just makes me feel better," and, "she is special."  I know I may sound like a wack-a-doodle but Olivia really brings peace happiness to those around her.  She sure brings happiness to her parents, this I know for sure.

Finally, I've learned a million and one things over the course of this year.  There is not enough time in the day to list them all.  I've discovered a love greater than anything I've ever known.  A love so large, only parents can truly grasp this feeling.  To my sweet, little, Olivia, who is turning one today, you've made me so proud and I love watching you grow.  You never cease to amaze me.  You've managed to make time stand still even though my days come and go as quickly as they started.  You are tough and braver than you know.  I love your tenacity.  You are strong and I know you are destined to conquer this world and do great things.  Wrap wings around your heart and let it soar freely, for that beautiful heart has the ability to make anyones day a little brighter.  From Mama to Mommy, and Mom to Best Friend, I am so proud and blessed to call you my daughter.

Happy first birthday, Olivia.  Wishing you a happy life with love, health, endless education, vast journeys, and bright tomorrow's.  I love you more today than yesterday, and my love for you continues to grow with every tomorrow, this I know for sure.

Love Always,

Mama

The Underdog Is Ready For School

Have you ever heard of a little village in New York called Fort Plain?  Yeah, me either.  It's a typical small town with hard working Americans, true underdogs, that boasts mom and pop shops and of course a super Walmart. It inhabits nearly 3000 people where the average family makes less than $30,000 a year.  I know we are all excited to see what baby North is going to look like, however our country has suffered a terrible catastrophe that no news stations are reporting, other than it's own.  

After coming from Cuba, my grandparents, along with my mom and aunt, moved to Fort Plain to begin their own American dream.  They lived in a small, muted-green house, adjacent from a running creek.  My mom has told me many times, it was the happiest my grandfather had ever been.  It will always hold a special place in her heart; a proud Fort Plain native.  She has been devastated since learning about the massive flooding which has occurred in this small town.  You see, that same creek that ran across from my mom's childhood home, has overflowed due to severe weather and literally wiped out the town.  Many homes are no longer inhabitable and some have up to 7 feet of water!  87 businesses including, newsstands, ice cream shops, convenience stores, retail shops, and much more have closed.  Financial aid is scarce and local owners would have to come out of pocket to keep their business afloat... literally.  Let's be honest, who has extra money lying around these days in case a flood hits?  Sadly, these 87+ businesses will probably close indefinitely.  (Source: The Business Review)

When my mom learned of the devastating news that occurred in her childhood town, she immediately put on her Super Mom cape and reported for duty.  She contacted the principle at her old elementary school, Harry Hoag Elementary.  As she is telling me this story, she is showing me clippings from the town newspaper of her in the library and continues to describe all the wonderful memories she had while attending Harry Hoag Elementary.  I learned my mom was a "ham" even at an early age.  More importantly, I was really proud my mom wanted to help the children of her old town.  I think being a grandma has really brought out her sensitive side, however I love the humanitarian side even more.  Not that she needed another excuse, but she sprang over to Target and purchased all the cool school supplies any child would love to have on their first day of school: Backpacks, pencils and pens, erasers, folders, lined paper, crayons, pencil holders, etc.  In mama-Graver fashion, these kids won't be receiving ordinary #2 pencils or single color Jansport backpacks.  They will be going back to school in style even if its with mud on their shoes.  The pencil holders are a trendy color and so are the flashy pencils. The backpacks are styled with glittery butterflies, Minnie Mouse, and Spider Man.  They can't be ordinary crayons, they have to be Crayola.  Anything else would just break and nothing is more frustrating than coloring and your crayon breaks to ruin your "within the line" streak.  You know how I feel right?  Moreover, she organized each bag with everything a child would need on their first day back to school.  Not only will it bring a child a smile, it will bring their parent's some relief.

Finally, we know how it feels to survive devastation and at the same time lose everything.  Perhaps, this is my mom's way of making not only the children, but the parent's a little happier for a brief moment.  To forget how ugly it may look outside, and remember how beautiful it can and will be again.  To provide a glimmer of hope in a sparkly new backpack.  I hope this story brings peace to those in Fort Plain, knowing that at least those children will be going back to school with all their supplies and more.
My focus for writing this, was to bring awareness and attention to a town that not many of us knew existed and to bring a glimmer of hope to the under dogs of Fort Plain.  Stay strong!

If you would like information on how you can help the victims of the flood in Fort Plain, please message me on our Facebook page, here.


Sources include:

The Business Review

Wikipedia

What I really meant to say...

"Say what you want to say.   Let the words fall out.  I want to see you be brave." Sara Bareillies

How many times have you left your words unsaid only to find out it's too late?  When was the last time you failed to tell someone how you truly felt, only to find out they were too far gone?  How often do we go through life wishing we had made our voices heard?  When the echo of someones words continue to cut like a knife, don't you wish you had let your true feelings be heard?  That moment in your life, when your one true love walks out the door, only to find yourself still holding on...

What I really meant to say is, why is it so difficult to be honest and say things we meant to say before it's too late?  Why do we bite our tongue?  And yet, lesson after life lesson, we still do it...  

Growing up, I was always the shy girl. I kept to myself and some would probably say I was somewhat of an introvert.  Before you start thinking I had a lip piercing, tattoos, dyed black hair, pale skin, and too much eye liner on, you're wrong.  I was and still am, just your average girl next door.  I just had trouble expressing myself.  I kept all feelings whether it be good, bad, sad, or mean, for the most part, to myself.  In fact, when it came to showing affection, expressing love, or sadness (happy and sad tears), I was always embarrassed to show my feelings.  My family wasn't overly affectionate and we never really said, "I love you."  It wasn't because we didn't mean it or think it, it just wasn't often expressed.  Oddly enough, my father is extremely sensitive.   He cries in most movies and is the type to probably cry during the American Idol finale, and now you know where I get it from.  Moreover, I remember anytime I would cry, my grandfather would always demand I stop.  He'd say, "big girls don't cry" or "I don't like to see you cry," where I would immediately suck it up.  It really wasn't until my first boyfriend, who really broke down my walls and showed me it was okay to have feelings and/or emotions.  To be honest, I really haven't stopped crying since.  All those years of holding in my tears are making up for lost time.  Don't get me started on pregnancy emotions!  I would cry at the sight of a flower.  Oy vey!

During my grandfather's final months, I would sadly avoid him because I didn't want him to see me cry.  I literally could not be in his presence without crying.  I wanted nothing more than to be with him but the pain was too much.  I wasn't used to the man he now was.  I would lie and say I had to work or make up some petty excuse.  I didn't want to make him cry because during those final days, instead of him yelling at me to stop crying, he would ask me to stop because he didn't want to cry.  Truth be told, I never once saw my grandfather cry.  Not one time, ever!  Those few months left, quickly became a couple weeks.  My grandfather decided he did not want to continue the way he was living so he gave up all his treatments and went home.  His doctor said he probably wouldn't live more than a week, and he didn't.   That final week, I went to the house almost everyday.  Sometimes I couldn't even make it past the front door.  It was hard to see such a strong man become so fragile, so quickly.  He was the type of man who was still doing push ups in his hospital room until he physically could no longer do it.  We got that final phone call where it was time to say our goodbyes.  I messaged my brother and asked him to tell me the truth, "Was it time?"  I'll never forget what he said to me, "Tomorrow's never promised."  And just like that, we got up and went to say our goodbyes.  My grandfather made a promise to my grandmother that he would not die at home.  He did not want her to ever have that memory.  When the nurse told us it was time for him to be transported to a hospice facility we all had our time to whisper a little something to him.  Before I walked in the room, I was at a loss for words.  My grandfather laid there so frail and still, like he was already gone.  He reached as much as much as he could to me when I walked in and someone whispered I was there.  He couldn't speak or hardly move.  It was even in that moment, I couldn't get my words out.  I had so much I wanted to say, needed to say, yearned to say and I couldn't muster a proper sentence.  I told him, "I love you more than you will ever know.  Thank you for everything.  I wouldn't be where I was today if it weren't for you."  There was so much more I wanted to say... but couldn't.  Brandon took my place and promised Pop that he would take care of me and never to worry.  I had to leave the room, I didn't want him to hear me cry because at that point it was the kind of cry you can't keep quiet.  Finally, Papi was transported to a hospice care facility where he later died.  Sadly, I left many things unsaid. About 30 minutes after he passed, I laid next to him, smelling him, holding him, feeling him.  I stopped crying and was at total peace.  I began to tell him everything I always wanted to and proceeded to do that for a good ten minutes.  Will he ever truly know what I had to say?  I don't know, that one is up to the believers out there.  What I really meant to say is, it's best to tell those how you feel in the present so when it comes down to it, they already know.

Life passes so quickly.  Take chances.  Be brave.   Give in.  Be honest.  Don't settle.  Tell someone how you feel, good or bad, you both will appreciate it in the end.  Don't hold back.  Ignore fear.  It's okay to have feelings.  It's okay to cry.  Tell that person you love, make them feel it.  Show that person they hurt you and let them know why.  Open up to a stranger.  Be truthful in your voice and never hide it's honesty.  As the clock's hand passes 12 again, don't let another minute go by that you didn't express your feelings because sometimes it's too late.  With each passing day, we are given a second chance to let everyone know how we feel.  Some of us have difficulty expressing ourselves.  I am no exception.  However, you improvise, you find ways.  I have taken my poor grammar skills to the WWW to express myself.  What I really meant to say is, don't hold back because "tomorrow is never promised."

I love you all, my Pink Elephant friends!  :)


                                     

All pictures were borrowed from Google.

Fit Mama Under Construction

Ask and you shall receive...   Advice and a little 411, that is.  I have gotten quite a few messages lately about what I've been doing, eating, etc., since I started this journey of getting in the best shape of my life since Olivia was born.  Bringing another life into the world made me more conscious and aware of the food choices I make and how I should make my health a priority.  Bottom line, I want to live a long life to watch Olivia and my future children do incredible things in this world.  I don't want to miss anything!  I want to be able to run around and play duck, duck, goose without wheezing.  I want my daughter to be proud of her mama.  I am her biggest role model and if I don't want her to be swayed by a fast-food obsessed culture, than I need to be her best form of advertisement.  WE need to be her best example.

Before I began my fitness journey in March, 2013 at 154 pounds.  Sure, this picture is uber embarrassing but it reminds me where I don't want to go back to :)

Almost 3 months into my journey at 137.

My goal.  I am a visual person.  This was me way before I got pregnant.  This picture reminds me of where I want to be.

WHAT I EAT:
I am one GIANT, spoiled, brat!  Since winning the Mommy Makeover contest through U&ME magazine,  I have been eating freshly prepared and portioned foods, that are delivered right to my door, thanks to Fit2Go.  It has been the biggest blessing.  To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I have to start cooking again.  As if my cooking wasn't bad enough, imagine after I've been on a Martha Stewart hiatus.  
I only eat healthy carbs, lots of veggies, lean proteins, a ton of water.  I love everything organic just as much as the next person but I am realistic and I know it's not always possible.  However, I do eat a lot of real foods.  I avoid, fried, processed foods, dairy, alcohol, and soy.  Again, I know it's not always possible to avoid everything but I do my best whenever I can.

COUCH POTATO TURNED GYM RAT:
I don't know when this happened, but I have become a gym rat.  I hated to exercise, let alone, sweat.  Suddenly, I am craving that endorphin high.  I look forward to my workouts.  It is my couple hours to myself, to sweat and have fun.  I also get to hang with my hubby a little bit more (he manages the gym I go to).

Average calories burned during one of my Zumba classes

I do Zumba 3 days a week and strength training/core workouts 2 days a week. This is where the spoiled brat thing comes in again.  Through the contest, the owner and our trainer at Belly -N- Kicks has given us a workout plan to follow.  They have a beautiful studio and are very knowledgeable about nutrition and pre and post pregnancy fitness.  However, I am a total Zumba junkie.  This girl with no rhythm or coordination has managed to find something so fun that it keeps me coming back 3 days a week for more.  It's fast, fun, and a fabulous workout.  In addition, now that Olivia has gone mobile, I'm always chasing after her and that in itself, is a workout.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY:

• It's essential to find a gym buddy, a teammate, to keep each other accountable and motivated. Thanks, to my hubby, sister, Emily, Sarah, my Zumba groupies, Diana, and the #Fucktheplateau group, and everyone else who keeps me motivated along the way 
• If you hate working out like me, it's important to find something you love and have fun with so it keeps you coming back. Kinda like a new boyfriend haha...
• You need a great pair of sneakers.  
• Get a heart rate monitor.  My husband got me a Polar FT4 for all the hard work I've done and to keep me motivated.  It lets me know when I'm burning the most calories and how many calories I've burned, the exercise duration, and much more.  
• Eat organic whenever you can.  Not only is it better for you but the food just tastes so much better.
• Up your veggie intake and eat them raw as much as possible.  When cooking them at certain temperatures it destroys it's nutrients (the main reason for eating them in the first place).
• Drink more water.
• Butter is not evil.  We like KerryGold. Thanks for the referral, Shannon.
• Coconut oil is your BFF and it can be used for flipping everything!
• Soy is not as beneficial as they say.  It is used in pretty much everything because it's cheap.  Red meat contains the highest content of protein, soy has the least.  The body also digests it extremely fast.  Therefore, when you eat soy, it is broken down so fast that you still have to supplement your protein.  Soy is just not enough.  It also spikes your estrogen levels which may increase water retention.
• Avoid dairy when you can.  Try dairy substitutes such as Almond Milk or almond cheese.
• Not all fats are bad.  However, fat is fat, so don't overdue it.
• Eat your super foods!
• Drink lots of water and then have some more ;)
• I take a multi-vitamin, a multi B-vitamin, calcium with magnesium, and fish oil
• Educate yourself on food substitutions: almond flour, apple sauce, Greek yogurt just to name a few.
• Stretch... A LOT!
• The more ripe the fruit, the more sugar.
• I stopped saying, "I'll start on Monday."  I had to just start and I started on a Wednesday.  
• Be organized. Set a goal with a plan and stick with it.  There are several online tools to help keep you on track and maintain your progress.  I use My Fitness Pal on my cell phone (thanks Buck).
• There are no tricks, miracle shakes, or diets.  Get off your ass, watch what you eat, and get moving.  If you don't like what you see, do something about it.  I had to stop whining and just do it.

I've been on this eating right/working out journey for a couple months now.  I love the changes and progress I'm making so far.  Will it get rid of the battle scars on my hips that I acquired while pregnant? Probably not but that's nothing a little Bio Oil can't fix.  Will I ever have a six-pack?  Nope.  Never have and probably never will.  I want to be healthy, look good, and feel good.  I want to increase my energy and stamina.  I want to feel confident with the equipment in the gym and get used to one right foot and one left foot, not just two left feet in Zumba.  What I know for sure is, I'm a fit mama under construction and one step closer to my health and fitness goals than I was yesterday.

Have fun, eat right, and live a long happy life.