What I really meant to say...

"Say what you want to say.   Let the words fall out.  I want to see you be brave." Sara Bareillies

How many times have you left your words unsaid only to find out it's too late?  When was the last time you failed to tell someone how you truly felt, only to find out they were too far gone?  How often do we go through life wishing we had made our voices heard?  When the echo of someones words continue to cut like a knife, don't you wish you had let your true feelings be heard?  That moment in your life, when your one true love walks out the door, only to find yourself still holding on...

What I really meant to say is, why is it so difficult to be honest and say things we meant to say before it's too late?  Why do we bite our tongue?  And yet, lesson after life lesson, we still do it...  

Growing up, I was always the shy girl. I kept to myself and some would probably say I was somewhat of an introvert.  Before you start thinking I had a lip piercing, tattoos, dyed black hair, pale skin, and too much eye liner on, you're wrong.  I was and still am, just your average girl next door.  I just had trouble expressing myself.  I kept all feelings whether it be good, bad, sad, or mean, for the most part, to myself.  In fact, when it came to showing affection, expressing love, or sadness (happy and sad tears), I was always embarrassed to show my feelings.  My family wasn't overly affectionate and we never really said, "I love you."  It wasn't because we didn't mean it or think it, it just wasn't often expressed.  Oddly enough, my father is extremely sensitive.   He cries in most movies and is the type to probably cry during the American Idol finale, and now you know where I get it from.  Moreover, I remember anytime I would cry, my grandfather would always demand I stop.  He'd say, "big girls don't cry" or "I don't like to see you cry," where I would immediately suck it up.  It really wasn't until my first boyfriend, who really broke down my walls and showed me it was okay to have feelings and/or emotions.  To be honest, I really haven't stopped crying since.  All those years of holding in my tears are making up for lost time.  Don't get me started on pregnancy emotions!  I would cry at the sight of a flower.  Oy vey!

During my grandfather's final months, I would sadly avoid him because I didn't want him to see me cry.  I literally could not be in his presence without crying.  I wanted nothing more than to be with him but the pain was too much.  I wasn't used to the man he now was.  I would lie and say I had to work or make up some petty excuse.  I didn't want to make him cry because during those final days, instead of him yelling at me to stop crying, he would ask me to stop because he didn't want to cry.  Truth be told, I never once saw my grandfather cry.  Not one time, ever!  Those few months left, quickly became a couple weeks.  My grandfather decided he did not want to continue the way he was living so he gave up all his treatments and went home.  His doctor said he probably wouldn't live more than a week, and he didn't.   That final week, I went to the house almost everyday.  Sometimes I couldn't even make it past the front door.  It was hard to see such a strong man become so fragile, so quickly.  He was the type of man who was still doing push ups in his hospital room until he physically could no longer do it.  We got that final phone call where it was time to say our goodbyes.  I messaged my brother and asked him to tell me the truth, "Was it time?"  I'll never forget what he said to me, "Tomorrow's never promised."  And just like that, we got up and went to say our goodbyes.  My grandfather made a promise to my grandmother that he would not die at home.  He did not want her to ever have that memory.  When the nurse told us it was time for him to be transported to a hospice facility we all had our time to whisper a little something to him.  Before I walked in the room, I was at a loss for words.  My grandfather laid there so frail and still, like he was already gone.  He reached as much as much as he could to me when I walked in and someone whispered I was there.  He couldn't speak or hardly move.  It was even in that moment, I couldn't get my words out.  I had so much I wanted to say, needed to say, yearned to say and I couldn't muster a proper sentence.  I told him, "I love you more than you will ever know.  Thank you for everything.  I wouldn't be where I was today if it weren't for you."  There was so much more I wanted to say... but couldn't.  Brandon took my place and promised Pop that he would take care of me and never to worry.  I had to leave the room, I didn't want him to hear me cry because at that point it was the kind of cry you can't keep quiet.  Finally, Papi was transported to a hospice care facility where he later died.  Sadly, I left many things unsaid. About 30 minutes after he passed, I laid next to him, smelling him, holding him, feeling him.  I stopped crying and was at total peace.  I began to tell him everything I always wanted to and proceeded to do that for a good ten minutes.  Will he ever truly know what I had to say?  I don't know, that one is up to the believers out there.  What I really meant to say is, it's best to tell those how you feel in the present so when it comes down to it, they already know.

Life passes so quickly.  Take chances.  Be brave.   Give in.  Be honest.  Don't settle.  Tell someone how you feel, good or bad, you both will appreciate it in the end.  Don't hold back.  Ignore fear.  It's okay to have feelings.  It's okay to cry.  Tell that person you love, make them feel it.  Show that person they hurt you and let them know why.  Open up to a stranger.  Be truthful in your voice and never hide it's honesty.  As the clock's hand passes 12 again, don't let another minute go by that you didn't express your feelings because sometimes it's too late.  With each passing day, we are given a second chance to let everyone know how we feel.  Some of us have difficulty expressing ourselves.  I am no exception.  However, you improvise, you find ways.  I have taken my poor grammar skills to the WWW to express myself.  What I really meant to say is, don't hold back because "tomorrow is never promised."

I love you all, my Pink Elephant friends!  :)


                                     

All pictures were borrowed from Google.