This is Jack's Story

My friend, Krysia and her husband Sean, share an all too familar story that a lot of couples unfortunately have to face.  I want to thank Krysia for pouring her heart out so publically and I hope this brings her strength knowing she will be providing so many people with hope.  She is our guest blogger today and this is their story.  To follow more of Krysia's story, you can read her blog, here.



My husband, Sean, and I got married in January of 2008. After being married for a year, we decided it was time to start trying to have a family. At first, it went the same as a lot of couples. First, we said, when it happens, it will happen. But we didn't get pregnant. I began ovulation research. Then I started to follow my cycles very strictly. But still, we didn't get pregnant and I saw negative sign after negative sign and spent lots of money on pregnancy tests.  We finally went to a reproductive therapist, Dr. Thompson, and went through every test imaginable. We were considered infertile because we were not able to get pregnant for over a year. When I heard that damn word, "infertile", I felt like my life was over. I was so scared that we would never be able to have a baby. Calmly, Dr. Thompson recommended a few rounds of insemination. She said that since we did not have any serious fertility issues, it should work. So I had hope after all. Insemination is definitely not the most romantic way of trying to conceive a child. However, Sean and I wanted to try whatever we could. We did

two rounds of insemination and no luck. The negative signs on those stupid sticks kept appearing. IVF (in vitro fertilization) was our next logical step, but we could not afford such an expensive treatment.

In 2010, two of my best friends and I went to an infertility expo. I thought it would be a good thing to go to in order to learn more, meet people going through infertility, and be around people who were dealing with the same issue as I was. Also, they were doing a raffle to win a free IVF with Dr. Thompson's office,
so we thought, why not?! Both my friends and I put our names in the raffle. They told us IF we win, they would contact us later if we are not there when they did the drawing. In no way did I ever think that we
would win, so after walking around for a bit we left.  Later that day, as I was at Starbucks, my friend Caroline called me. Her name was pulled at the raffle! She won the IVF!!! And of course, she gave it to me! I couldn't believe it. We hit the jackpot. Sean and I would have a $10,000 (at least) procedure done for free!!! So after the what felt like UNENDING injections and preparations, Sean and I went through IVF in January of 2011. It was quite a stressful procedure but I was so hopeful that it would work. It had to! This was our only shot.
The wait to find out if we were pregnant felt like it took forever.  But finally, after negative sign after negative sign, I took a test and it was positive!!! I took another test, same result. I ran to the doctor's office to get a blood test to confirm and they told me, "you are definitely pregnant." I couldn't believe it. Sean and I would finally

have the baby we have been waiting for and trying SO hard for.

On March 15, 2011, at 12 weeks, I announced to the world that Sean and I would be expecting our first baby. It was something I always wanted to do. It was the moment I could scream from the mountaintops that I am
a mom! We were due with a boy who we named Jack Nicholas.  My pregnancy was perfect. No sickness, no issues, pure bliss. I was so happy being pregnant. It was the most glorious time for me. I loved my
belly, I loved feeling him move, and I cherished every second of it. I went to all my checkups. I did not miss one appointment or one ultrasound. Finally, the time for the delivery was coming closer. I was seeing my OB, Dr. Horst, on a  weekly basis. I couldn't wait for the moment.

On October 3, 2011, I was 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was time for one of my weekly checkups. Sitting in the waiting room on the 3rd floor, I was in complete innocent bliss. I couldn't wait to get my cervix checked to see how much longer until I could meet my son. I was so excited. My name was called. When the doctor came in, he did his usual measurements and grabbed the doppler which measures the baby's heartbeat. He used the one doppler for about 5 minutes without hearing any sounds. He said he would try another one because it might not be working well. He used that second doppler for about 10 to 15 minutes and I kept asking if I should be worried. Dr. Horst kept giving me nervous smiles.  I kept thinking to myself "come on, Jack, just move for me, baby." At this point, I was scared. The doctor told me to get dressed so we could do an ultrasound to check that everything was ok. I was freaking out but at the same time I thought there had to be some sort of explanation. As I waited for the ultrasound tech, I grabbed my phone and googled every possible reason why a heartbeat could not be found. All I found was bad news. I was called into the ultrasound room and that's when it happened. Baby Jack was completely still and the heartbeat line was flat. Tears flowed and cries came out. I couldn't believe it. Was this actually happening to me???? I felt the world around me just fall to pieces. My doctor gave me a hug and the ultrasound tech said her "I'm so sorry's" and my doctor took me into his office. "I have to call my husband" were my next words. Sean answered right away and I broke the news to him. He rushed right over. While waiting for him, I called my friend Caroline and through my cries I heard her asking me to repeat the news and asking if it was a joke. If only I could say, yes. Things like this just don't happen. You read about it, you hear about it, but suddenly, I AM that person who's baby died.  After hearing our options of vaginal labor, waiting for me to go into labor on my own, or C-section, both Sean and decided on C-section. I could not deliver my dead son with hours of pushing. I just couldn't. All I could do was cry, "that's it". I couldn't do this again. Sean and I are not meant to be parents. We have suffered infertility and now we are experiencing the worst loss anyone could imagine.  I couldn't believe the tears and cries that I had let alone what Sean's reaction was. I did not want to put Sean through that again.

We went over to the hospital. The walk over was like a dream. I couldn't believe the son inside of me that I waited for and that I was so happy about was dead. I could feel him in there, just heavy. No movement, no fluttering, no hiccups. Just him. The nurses who walked us to our room knew what was going on. They took me with such kindness and sympathy to a back room away from everyone and everything else. I was told I had to wait 8 hours since I ate earlier before my surgery. I called who I needed to call and cried at every moment. Sean and I had lost the son we dreamt about for so long. I could feel his feet on the right side and I just wanted him to move so I could say it was all a dream. Someone came in and asked us the devastating question, "I hate to bring this up but in order for us to do an autopsy, we need you to pick a funeral home". Funeral home? I did not know where to even start. I never thought I would have to think about that. Luckily, our support system took over. From that moment on, Sean and I did not have to deal with the questions, the concerns, the funeral arrangements. Our amazing friends did everything for us. I do not know where I would have been without them.  After the long wait and the visitors who came to support us, it was time. The priest came in for the blessing and the anesthesiologist came in with the drugs. I remember feeling the drugs and seeing everyone as I was being wheeled away.

Sean sat next to me as the surgery happened. I couldn't believe we were delivering a dead son rather than being joyful and waiting to hold our new baby boy. I kept wishing I would hear a baby crying but my wishes did not come true. I told the doctors and nurses I did not want to see Jack because it would be too hard. But after the surgery, my doctor came up to my head and said I should see him otherwise I would regret it so I agreed. JACK WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY I HAVE EVER, EVER SEEN.  Sean and I held him and caressed him and cried and said over and over how beautiful he was. Sean says all he remembers is those red lips on my cheek. I am so glad I saw him and touched him. Now I only wish it was for longer. We both knew at that moment that we had to try to have another baby.  The nurse asked me if she could take him to my friends and family and show him to them. I said yes. We spent time in the recovery room which felt like forever. I just wanted to be back in my room with our family and friends. Sean sat by my side the entire time just holding me. We cried, we talked, we couldn't believe it.  The doctor said the umbilical cord was around his neck once but it didn't seem like it would have caused Jack to die. They could not see anything to show why it happened. We had no answers. Just a dead son.  We were wheeled back to our room a little after. Our support system was there to make sure we were ok and they left for the night.  My eyes were so puffy I could barely see. I couldn't sleep. I was awake throughout most of the night and finally watched the night turn to day.  Please let this be a dream, I thought. But it wasn't.  Sean and I spent 2 days in the hospital before coming home. The drive home and pulling up to our house was very hard. We came home empty handed.

Losing Jack was the hardest thing that has ever happened to Sean and I. After blood work, genetic testing, and an autopsy, we did not receive any answer as to why our baby boy died. Our lives were changed forever, we will never be the same, and we will never forget Jack. It has been almost two years, but I am still in mourning. I am still bitter. I am still angry. I am still sad. Most people do not realize that even after almost two years, the emptiness and heart ache are still there. People forget that Sean and I DO have a son and he will always be our first baby.  We are grateful for many, many things, however, not a day goes by when I do not ask why?

Since losing him, we were blessed with a natural pregnancy. We gave birth to Jack's little sister, Samantha, in August 2012. She truly is a miracle. I will never forget Jack as my first child, my first son, and the baby who made me a mom for the first time.

Thank you for listening to our story. In memory of Jack Nicholas.

What I Know For Sure

What I've learned in one year as a mom, is something no ivy-league college, how-to book, or professional mom could've prepared me for.  This has been the most out of this world, beautiful, patience testing, fear-facing, gruesome, best year of my existence.  The time has come, and I type this with a tear in my eye...  My daughter, Olivia, my first born, is turning ONE!

What I've learned over the course of one year:

1.  PLAN TO FAIL:  No matter how planned and ready you are for a baby, you're still not ready.  Nothing can prepare you for a child.  Sure, having a plan in place, the room decorated, a color coordinated closet with matching hangers organized by size (You know it), can and will help.  However, the "things" never seem enough, the nights are long, and the days even longer.  The journey is amazing and so is the learning experience.

2.  ENDLESS POO WITH A BANG & SPIT UP:  Sure, my daughter may have inherited the "Graver Curse" but babies are like little duckies.  They eat and poo, and when they get old enough, they eat, walk, and poo.  You never have enough diapers and it still hurts a year later to spend $50.00 dollars on a 3-week supply of diapers.  In addition, I've become a fart detective.  The little pop-pop's followed by her giggle are nothing to worry about.  It's the loud, gurgle pops of air you have to fear.  And at the end of a long day, when my child's tank is sure to be empty, she will surprise me again with a Hershey Kiss.  Along with lots of hot air and ca-ca, we have experienced our share of spit up.  We've gone through multiple different formulas and are now experimenting with cow's milk.  She spits up everything.  That expensive stroller and car seat, yeah, that was spit up on too.  My clothes, my hair, and just about everywhere in between, more spit up.  Thankfully, it's gotten better with age.

3.  LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:  I wasn't one of these mom's that was head over heals in love with my daughter the second I saw her.  They laid her on my chest, she smiled, and nothing has ever scared me more!  It wasn't until we were alone and the excitement settled, that I fell in love and began to appreciate the little life I built.

4.  TEETHING:  The teething process has been my greatest challenge of motherhood thus far.  It's challenges come in waves as each new tooth emerges.  Teething can bring on a multitude of issues such as: fevers and cold-like symptoms, more poop, excessive drooling, irritability for mom and baby, and diaper rash from even more poop.

5.  SCHEDULE:  I was borderline coo-coo about Olivia's feeding/sleeping schedule and still kinda am.  She runs like a machine and it's very obvious when she goes off track.  I am one of these people that can't function on no sleep and I knew it would be tough in the beginning, but once I had her schedule set, it really was peace of mind.

6.  FRIENDSHIP:  Your friendships change when you begin a family like they do during all major life events.  Those important friendships that were there before Olivia was born, are still there, and they are now extended aunts and uncles to her.  However, you gain new types of friendships. I've met many new mom's and have even ventured outside of my comfort zone and done the whole play-date thing.

7.  PATIENCE:  A baby can and will test your patience.  You never really know how much patience you have until you raise a child.  I am blessed to have a very happy and well-behaved baby but during those teething waves, sometimes I feel like I got hit in the head by a 2x4.

8.  SCREAMING BABIES:  I used to cringe at the sound of a screaming baby in a restaurant or movie theater and now it's all white noise.  I'm on the other side now.  I feel every parent's pain when they just want to eat their last bite of steak in peace.  When we go out to eat we are automatically seated in what appears to be the designated baby section.  Food flying everywhere, crying and screaming, a cute, little stranger popped up behind me pulling my hair on the other side of the booth, it's all apart of life now.

9.  RELATIONSHIPS:  I can definitely see how a baby can take away from a marriage.  However, Brandon and I have really made US a priority and want to show Olivia how strong our family bond is.  While we don't have many date nights out, we do have enough alone time when the baby finally goes down for the night.

10:  THAT'S SO WEIRD:  My daughter hates blankets, sleeps with her ass in the air and her eyes wide open.  No matter how much I suction, the boogers keep coming.  She rubs a pillow on her cheek to fall asleep.  She loves purses.  She'll take everything out of a bag and then put it all back in.  I can only dream that it is a trait of a master organizer.  My daughter's head circumference is above average in size.  Clearly, she has a big brain and it's not just a Gibson head, duh!  Shockingly, between all the hair I've lost post-pregnancy and the hair Olivia always pulls out, I still have hair.  Nothing hurts more than a 4-tooth baby bite.  She loves to dance and has more rhythm than most.  Finally, she is a clone of my husband with a Graver personality.  Genes are powerful, folks, so pick em' wisely!

11.  WHAT I MISS THE MOST:  Sleeping-in.  I SO miss sleeping till late in the afternoon.  Those who personally know me, know I love and value my sleep.  I am thankful Olivia sleeps till 8:00 but some days even that is too early.  Running into the store no longer takes 5 minutes.  I have to pack the baby bag, pack her into the car, unpack it all once I arrived at my destination, of course I have to change another diaper somewhere in there, feed her, and before I know it, my trip to pick up some bread took 2 hours and $100 dollars.

12.  MY DAUGHTER, THE SPONGE:  She is always watching.  She mimics my every move, attempts to say what I'm saying, and follows me around everywhere.  My little shadow is a quick learner and tries her hardest to do the grown-up stuff.  That being said, I am her role model and I really have had to change some of the things I do so that I can lead by example.

13.  MY MUSE:  My daughter has inspired me on so many levels, including being HER mom of the year.  I want to design toys, write children's books, create bows and headbands, etc., all to make her future a lot brighter.  More importantly, she inspired The Pink Elephant.

14.  PARENTING 101:  I have days when I feel nothing is good enough.  I have moments when I feel I am failing.  There are times when my smiles aren't so big and angry words come to mind easily.  I question why I have a pouch that makes me look three months pregnant when Olivia came out of me a year ago. Sometimes I just want to cuddle my daughter, not the pressures of motherhood.  Some days I am so tired, the thought alone of changing another diaper is exhausting.  All in all, it's a journey.  I may never get it right and that's okay.  One thing I know for sure, we are doing the best we can.  We may not have a lot of stuff, but she sure has a lot of love.  Her home is filled with laughter.  Her daddy provides her with a home and things she won't remember 10 years from now.  However, she will grow up remembering all the love, hugs, patience, listening, and the fun memories and traditions that she will one day pass on to her children.

15.  MY ANGEL, MY BEST FRIEND:  Sure, we all think our children our blessings, angel's in disguise, the cutest.  Some  may even find they are spawn's of the devil.  Nevertheless, Olivia has a special heart that only those who have been in contact with her can understand.  Let me stress, Olivia is not perfect.  She has her moments and sometimes I just want to crawl under the bed and hide so I can be alone in silence for thirty seconds, but she is a very sweet baby.  Complete strangers have told me, "she has a beautiful soul."  At first, I think to myself, why are you reading her soul. However, she'll stroke someone's cheek, give a hug, a giggle, or a big toothy grin and people just light up.  I've been told, "she just makes me feel better," and, "she is special."  I know I may sound like a wack-a-doodle but Olivia really brings peace happiness to those around her.  She sure brings happiness to her parents, this I know for sure.

Finally, I've learned a million and one things over the course of this year.  There is not enough time in the day to list them all.  I've discovered a love greater than anything I've ever known.  A love so large, only parents can truly grasp this feeling.  To my sweet, little, Olivia, who is turning one today, you've made me so proud and I love watching you grow.  You never cease to amaze me.  You've managed to make time stand still even though my days come and go as quickly as they started.  You are tough and braver than you know.  I love your tenacity.  You are strong and I know you are destined to conquer this world and do great things.  Wrap wings around your heart and let it soar freely, for that beautiful heart has the ability to make anyones day a little brighter.  From Mama to Mommy, and Mom to Best Friend, I am so proud and blessed to call you my daughter.

Happy first birthday, Olivia.  Wishing you a happy life with love, health, endless education, vast journeys, and bright tomorrow's.  I love you more today than yesterday, and my love for you continues to grow with every tomorrow, this I know for sure.

Love Always,

Mama